


State of Perfection

by egoisticceo



Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Couch Cuddles, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Insecurity, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Panic Attacks, Sleepy Cuddles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:07:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27859554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/egoisticceo/pseuds/egoisticceo
Summary: For years, Eiichi has thought it about himself - if he isn't perfect, then he isn't good enough. Ranmaru shows him that isn't true.
Relationships: Kurosaki Ranmaru/Ootori Eiichi
Comments: 4
Kudos: 16





	1. Chapter 1

The last thing Ranmaru expected to see coming home from work that day was Eiichi crying. And yet, that was the sight that met his eyes.

Eiichi was hunched up on their sofa, convulsing with sobs and barely taking in air before his panicked exhales forced it out again. His hands wrenched violently at his hair, his head almost in his lap, curled into a tiny ball as if he was trying to hide himself from the world.

So as not to startle him, Ranmaru set his bag down carefully and spoke just loud enough, so the man could hear him over his hyperventilating. "Eiichi?"

The purple eyes that met his, usually holding boundless confidence, were unsettlingly wide, pupils mere specks among shaking irises and overflowing with tears.

"Eiichi," he repeated, sitting down on the sofa, close but not _too_ close. He took a second to cautiously choose his next words. "You okay with me comin' closer?"

Eiichi nodded shakily, muttering something between his frantic breaths. Ranmaru moved, close enough to hear what he was saying.

"........I'm sorry..............I'm sorry...... _._ "

"Hey. Stop that," Ranmaru said firmly, resting his hand on Eiichi's heaving shoulder. "Nothin' to apologise for, you hear me?"

Though he didn't seem convinced, Eiichi leaned into Ranmaru's touch nonetheless, drawing in a sob.

"There." Ranmaru's voice softened. "I've got you, alright? I'm here." He put his arm around Eiichi's shoulders. "S' gonna be alright."

Eiichi's shaking hand reached up, clutching at Ranmaru's shirt like he was scared to let go. He curled himself into Ranmaru's torso, a string of sobs wracking his body as he tried to speak but wasn't able.

"I'm not goin' anywhere." Ranmaru placed his free hand over Eiichi's. "Just keep breathin'. In n' out. Everything's gonna be just fine. I promise."

His words and touch seemed to be helping somewhat - Eiichi's breaths weren't the erratic, jumbled mess they'd been a couple minutes ago, and his tears were slowing. Ranmaru was thankful. He'd take a loud, annoying, cocky Otori Eiichi any day over this small, fragile Eiichi, sobbing into his chest.

Within a few extra minutes of murmured reassurance and gentle rubs of his arm, Eiichi had regained some semblance of calm, enough to say words that weren't just babbled apologies.

"You shouldn't have to see me this way," Eiichi said quietly, fists scrubbing at his tears as if he despised the fact they were there.

Ranmaru raised an eyebrow, squeezing his shoulder. "What? Want me to leave you alone instead?"

Eiichi almost looked like he wanted to agree. If there was one thing his boyfriend was good at, Ranmaru thought, it was keeping all his pain to himself.

"What brought this on?" he asked, instantly regretting the question when Eiichi bit his lip, hard.

"I... I don't _know_. Just... so much work, and... other things that kept building up, and..." Eiichi gestured, trying to express the words he couldn't quite find.

It wasn't like him to stumble over what he was saying - Ranmaru knew Eiichi was rattled. If Eiichi had his way, then no one would _ever_ get to see him in a moment of weakness.

"Yeah. I get it," Ranmaru said, to save Eiichi the trouble, though he meant it - he'd had days like that, more than he could count.

Exhaling, Eiichi seemed to shrink in on himself even more. "I should be able to handle this. All of it. Why can't I just..."

Ranmaru stayed silent, figuring Eiichi needed to let it out.

"I'm... the leader. I'm supposed to do it all effortlessly. But, nothing..." With tired eyes, Eiichi rubbed at the bridge of his nose. "Nothing I do feels good enough. Ever. Everything I do, I can't be satisfied with. I can never be... _perfect._ _"_

_"_ That's how I'm seen though, isn't it? The perfect, confident, charismatic Otori Eiichi. I... can't stop _thinking_ about it, Ranmaru. If the angels saw the real me... _this..._ "

Eiichi trailed off and pointed to his tear-streaked face, a mirthless smile spreading across his lips.

"Sometimes I don't know how much is truth and how much is this... _appearance_ _._ It's pathetic, isn't it?" With a short and bitter laugh, Eiichi looked away. " _I'm_ pathetic."

" _Hey_. You, pathetic?" Ranmaru finally interrupted in disbelief. "How the hell can you say that?!"

"Just _look_ at me, Ranmaru! I'm letting you down. All of you, _everyone._ You all deserve better, so much better, than I could _ever_ be, and... and..." Eiichi ran a hand through his hair, his other fist clenching in his lap. "I don't... _understand,_ what..."

His voice cracked as a fresh tear trailed down his face."What... do you see in me? I don't deserve you, or Heavens, or-" Another sob forced its way from Eiichi's lips.

" _Why..._ do you love someone like me?"

Ranmaru bit his lip, heart heavy. He never understood, and he never would, _how_ Otori Eiichi could feel this way about himself. It made no sense in his head - someone so passionate, so selfless, such a bright spark in the eyes of others, completely unable to see his own worth _._

_H_ _ell_ if he was gonna let his boyfriend keep talking about himself like that.

"I am lookin'." Ranmaru grabbed Eiichi's hand, stopping him from pulling at his hair. "And you know what I see?"

Eiichi said nothing, not sure if he even wanted to know.

"A damned idiot who has no idea how amazin' he is, that's what." Ranmaru reached forward, pressing Eiichi's head against his chest, cradling him in his large hands. "Stop talkin' and _listen_ to me, alright?"

He felt the man nod, audibly trying to stifle a sob. Ranmaru stroked his hair, preparing the words in his head, ready to tell this bastard _just_ what he thought of him.

"If I was feelin' like this and sat here cryin'," Ranmaru began, "Would you call me pathetic?"

Eiichi shook his head.

"Then stop callin' yourself it. I don't wanna hear that bullshit." He continued running his fingers through Eiichi's brown locks. "It ain't true. Never has been. You don't... _need_ to be perfect. You're human, for god's sake. It ain't possible. Stop sellin' yourself short just 'cause you can't fit all these standards you've set for yourself."

"I can tell what you're thinkin'. One fuck-up, one sign of stress, and me, Natsuki n' Heavens will send you packin', right? 'Cause you're scared to look like you're weak."

Ranmaru was reading him far too well. Eiichi swallowed, unable to deny it.

"None of us care about that, Eiichi. We wish you'd come askin' us for help instead of bottlin' it all up. You're always tryin' to do everythin' by yourself, and... we don't want strong, perfect, _whatever_ Otori Eiichi. We want _you._ All of it. Even the stuff you feel like you've gotta hide."

"But... if it counts for anythin', if bein' perfect's your concern... you're pretty damn close to perfect as far as things go. As close as anyone could be."

More tears were spilling from Eiichi's eyes, overwhelmed by all of these words he didn't know he needed to hear. "H-how...?" he weakly asked.

"'How'? You're amazin'. _So_ amazin', Eii. You don't have any idea. You're the reason I'm not runnin' from shit anymore. I'm happier than I've been in years now I'm with you."

"Look, I don't say this lightly, but... you... you _saved_ me, damn it. N' as much as you hate yourself, I'm _never_ gonna stop lovin' you. As long as I live."

Ranmaru held Eiichi as he shook, letting him cry.

"Thank you..." Eiichi was whispering in a choked voice, between his sobs. "Thank you..."

"Of course. I'll never stop tellin' you this, y'know. Not 'til you see what you're worth. Never want to see you callin' yourself pathetic again, alright? You've just got a lot on your plate."

Feeling himself go less tense, Eiichi nodded, wiping his hand across his face. He let himself relax, allowed himself to accept this, Ranmaru's words and touch.

"N' sometimes there's so much goin' on that you don't know what the hell's wrong. But..." Ranmaru kissed Eiichi's forehead, sweeping back his fringe. "I'll be here 'til you do know. Then we can work through it. Together. You hear me?"

Eiichi nodded tearfully, looking up at Ranmaru with a soft, shaky smile that made the cool rocker melt. "Together. I hear you," he said, smile only widening as he was squeezed tighter.

"Good." Ranmaru laughed at himself then. "See? Look at me, usin' your damn catchphrase. You're rubbin' off on me."

Eiichi's smile turned into a smirk. That was the moment that Ranmaru remembered Eiichi's dangerously fast ability to bounce back.

"Why would that be, Ranmaru? Are you that in love with me?" Eiichi grinned, eyes once again holding their usual teasing glimmer. Normally, Ranmaru wouldn't have let that one slide so easily, but _damn it_ , he'd appease the bastard just for today.

"Yeah, n' if I am?" Taking Eiichi's face in both his hands, he kissed around that stupid smug smile, to the brown-haired man's delight. "You're lucky I'm feelin' nice today." He pulled back, admiring Eiichi's expression, crinkled in laughter. "Sometimes I get why Natsuki's always callin' you cute."

_...Those last words weren't supposed to have left his head._

Ranmaru scowled as he readied himself for the teasing reply, but Eiichi seemed to take no heed, still chuckling over the attack on his face. Apparently, he'd decided to disregard those words and have mercy, for which Ranmaru was grateful.

"Anyway." Ranmaru cleared his throat. "You wanna forget about all that for now and chill out all night?"

Eiichi's laughter trailed off, and he laid his head against Ranmaru's chest, letting out a sigh of contentment.

"If it's right here, with you..." He curled his arm around Ranmaru's waist. "I wouldn't mind that at all."


	2. Chapter 2

"Eiichi. You comin' to bed?"

It had been a nice night. A perfect night, in fact. Curled up together, practically in each other's laps, watching whatever crap was on TV - it was nothing _special_ , but it was the peace they both craved.

Ranmaru was now laying in bed, looking up from his book to wonder why the hell the other man was taking so long. Eiichi stuck his head around the bedroom door, holding a sheet of paper.

"Well, I'd just remembered," he began earnestly, "There was one form that I needed to fill out a-"

" _No,_ " Ranmaru promptly and firmly cut him off. "You're comin' to bed."

Ever the obsessive worker, Eiichi raised his eyebrows, but backed down, reluctantly placing the sheet down on a nearby chest of drawers. "If you insist."

" _Yeah,_ I insist. C'mere, for god's sake."

Eiichi laughed, removing his shirt in one quick movement and striding over to the bed. "Such commanding words... _good!_ They never fail to shake me to my c-"

Ranmaru groaned, interrupting him for the second time. "Shuddup before I change my mind about bein' nice."

Still smirking, Eiichi took his place in bed next to Ranmaru. It was nice, Ranmaru thought, seeing Eiichi back to himself. He was an annoying bastard, no denying that, but dare he say... Eiichi was _his_ annoying bastard. And seeing him laugh, whether it was at his expense or not, made Ranmaru feel just that little bit better inside.

He outstretched his arms, inviting Eiichi in. Eiichi was quick to accept. Burying himself in the rocker's embrace, he let out a mumble of satisfaction. Ranmaru protectively cupped his head, pressing the taller man into his chest.

If it meant Eiichi could feel like this every day, happy and secure and finally seeing his own value, Ranmaru knew he'd say everything he said a million times over, easily.

Eiichi was drifting off when, after a long silence, Ranmaru finally spoke again.

"Y'know... kinda meant what I said earlier. About you bein'..." Ranmaru went red. "Cute."

"Cute?" Eiichi raised his eyebrows. "I didn't take you to be Natsuki."

"That's not... _look-_ " Ranmaru was digging himself into an even deeper hole, he was perfectly aware. "It's just. Y'know. Nice t' see you all peaceful. N' happy. Feels like you're stressed a lot nowadays. Just..." He stroked Eiichi's hair. "I'm here for you, yeah? Come to me if you need somethin'. I'll be here."

"Ranmaru..." Thrown off guard by this sudden display of affection, Eiichi was surprised to find his eyes welling up. "I... I will. Thank you."

"Yeah. Good. I..." Ranmaru pushed out the words he always struggled to say out loud. "I love you, Eiichi. A damn lot. Don't you go forgettin' it."

"I love you too. I'm so..." Eiichi clung to him tighter. "So grateful for you. That you always choose to stay, even when it must be difficult, and... thank you. You're wonderful, Ranmaru."

Ranmaru's face went a little hot. "Yeah... yeah. Of course. I'm never leavin'. Ever. Not after everything you've done for me."

For the first night in a few, Eiichi felt as though he could rest easy, hearing those words. He trusted Ranmaru. He truly did. Maybe he could let himself have a good thing, and not fear it escaping from his grasp, as had happened time and time again.

_Who would've thought from their first meeting, that things would've turned out like this..._

Smiling peacefully, Eiichi once again felt himself drifting off. The last thing he acknowledged before he fell asleep was a second "I love you" whispered in his ear, and he completely, fully relaxed.

Eiichi fell asleep, filled with nothing but warmth.


End file.
